Del BaileyFive talks to have before you marry: intimacy, money, your ten-year vision, children, and how you will keep these talks going. Each one is easier to have while nothing is wrong than after a problem forces it, and each ends with something you can write down.
Updated October 25, 2026.
They say love is blind. That is fine for the first dates, but before you get married it helps to take the romantic blinders off for a while. These talks let each of you see what the other one expects, and they give you a solid base for the rough patches that every marriage hits sooner or later. Most of us have had a fight that was really about something we never said out loud.
I have kept a household budget with the same discipline I bring to training, and the lesson carries over. A plan both people helped write survives a bad month. A plan one person handed down does not. These talks work the same way: say what you expect early, in your own words, while nothing is on fire.
Pick the right moment for these conversations
These talks are not easy, and any serious conversation can feel like a challenge. Still, it is better to have them now than to sort things out after the wedding. It also helps to know what they are not. They are not a prenuptial agreement. They are the base your relationship grows on, and you both set the terms.
Do not schedule a Big Talk at a restaurant table. Have the conversation after something you did together, like a walk, a drive or a meal you were looking forward to. Most people open up more side by side in a car or on a walk than across a table. Keep each talk to a single topic. Think of it as a team exercise, not a negotiation, and bring it up as early as you can.
Intimacy: talk about what you want
This is usually the easiest of the five to start, and most people enjoy it. Say what you enjoy and how it makes you feel, then ask your partner the same. Some things that excite your partner may surprise you. Talk about what each of you would like to try, whether that is a fantasy, a technique or even a few special words. Agree that you will keep telling each other what you want and what puts you off, and that neither answer is a complaint.
Once you have had this talk, it gets easier to tell each other how you feel about everything else.
Money matters before marriage
Money is touchy for a lot of couples. Anyone who has split a dinner check with a group knows it can get awkward fast. So decide the practical questions in writing. Joint accounts, separate accounts, or a mix. How much stays in each. Who pays which bills, and whether you keep an account for big purchases or shared costs. Then set a budget and a saving habit you can both live with, especially if one of you spends and the other saves.
Bring numbers: income, debts and savings on the table, from both sides. A budget built on guesses breaks in the first month. Agreeing on what you expect from your money now can head off fights later, and it lets you work as a team toward a steady future.
Your vision of the future
Sketch ten years out together. Where do you want to live? Rent or buy? What kind of home do you want, and will there be enough room if you have kids? Where do family, leisure time, work and community fit? A shared plan gives you a common purpose, and it shows early where your values differ. Learning what the other person hopes for also helps you both aim at the same goals.
Family and children
Having a child is a big step for any couple. It takes money, and it takes years of care. Ask whether either of you wants children, how many, and when. Cover who would stay home and how you would handle the cost. If you disagree, find out now, not years from now. This is the one topic where compromise is hardest, because a child cannot be a half-yes.
Write it down and revisit it
Keep a short note of what you agreed and reread it once a year. Priorities change. Some things that felt vital will matter less, and new issues will appear. That is normal. Anyone who has shared a home with someone knows how small habits turn into big topics over time. The note also reminds you why you chose each other and the joy you felt getting ready to commit.
FAQ: conversations before marriage
What should you talk about before getting married?
Cover intimacy, money, your ten-year plan, children, and how you will revisit these topics. Money and children are the two with the biggest practical consequences, so give them the most time and write down what you decide.
Does this mean you need a prenuptial agreement?
No. These conversations are about setting expectations, and a prenuptial agreement is a separate legal document. If you want one, a family law attorney in your state can explain the rules that apply to you.
How often should couples revisit these talks?
At least once a year, and any time something big changes, like a new job, a move or a child. Reread your written notes first so the talk starts from what you agreed.
Tami Benedict